Serious, casual, or just playing me?

[skaiblue]

I recently started getting intimate with one of my roommates. He had recently broken up with his ex-girlfriend whom he had been engaged to beforehand. I am very confused...sometimes, he seems very interested in having something more with me and then at other times, he just treats me like a roommate. I've asked him straight up what his intentions are for the relationship between us, and he says that "right now, I don't want anything serious." Apparently, his ex was completely psycho and ran him into debt and trapped him into all sorts of financial responsibilities, and I understand that he's hesitant to get into anything serious, but my question is, should I wait to see when/if he wants to get serious with me? So far, we get along GREAT and are very compatible. The other thing that bothers me is that he used to ask me to go out w/him and his buddies a lot, but now that I've asked him whether or not he wants a serious/casual relationship, he does not invite me anymore. what's up w/that? I have also met his ex a few times, and am not jealous or possessive at all (like she was to him). I was in a s

[Wickity]

Well, unfortunately, just because you want something more, doesn't mean that he does. Unless you're ready to just have somethign casual, then I'd say move on. Not everything works out the way we like, but it does work out somehow.

[skaiblue]

I had problems submitting my message the first time, so here is the rest of it...
I was in a similar relationship before where my ex was very possessive and controlling of me, so I understand what he is going thru, but at the same time, I don't want to have false hope that one day he will want to be serious with me. I also know that he has been on other dates with other people (we both agreed that we could see other people) which is okay, but it also makes me wonder what the hell is wrong w/me that he doesn't want to date me seriously? Just so you know, he is the one that put the moves on me while we were roommates. someone help me out!!!

[LadyJ]

I was waiting for the rest of the post which seems to have dropped off rather suddenly. However, general advice is.....
1. Do not stay with someone who doesn't want you. While it may hurt to think that it might be the case, you'll be better off in the long run. Successful relationships work because both people WANT to be with the other.
2. Don't sleep with roommates. I have never heard of a situation when it worked out.
3. I would guess that he doesn't invite you out with the guys because you are no longer "one of the guys." You are now a sex partner.

[velvetgoldmire]

You're fucked. you should have checked the safety on that gun before you shot yourself in the foot. It sounds like you're headfucking yourself. You should not have started messing around with your roomate, especially after he just went through an emotional and traumatizing breakup and especially not while he was still your roomate.

[stormryder]

Amen on the roommate part. I did, wasn't a great idea, lost a roommate and a good friend.

[Light Touch]

Originally posted by skaiblue
I had problems submitting my message the first time, so here is the rest of it...
I was in a similar relationship before where my ex was very possessive and controlling of me, so I understand what he is going thru, but at the same time, I don't want to have false hope that one day he will want to be serious with me. I also know that he has been on other dates with other people (we both agreed that we could see other people) which is okay, but it also makes me wonder what the hell is wrong w/me that he doesn't want to date me seriously? Just so you know, he is the one that put the moves on me while we were roommates. someone help me out!!!

He probably likes you as a person and as a friend (and maybe a little bit more), but he clearly said he doesn't want more.

I wouldn't "wait around" -- enjoy it for what it is, or if it doesn't work for you, end it. Don't expect him to change.

[DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR]

Originally posted by stormryder
Amen on the roommate part. I did, wasn't a great idea, lost a roommate and a good friend.

Hate to say it... But I totally agree.

Doing roomies is never a good idea. You tend to loose both a friend and someone else to share the rent with.

[stormryder]

Not to mention get a negative reputation regarding your roommate potential with the opposite sex....

[Anti-DieselKitty]

Originally posted by LadyJ
I was waiting for the rest of the post which seems to have dropped off rather suddenly. However, general advice is.....
1. Do not stay with someone who doesn't want you. While it may hurt to think that it might be the case, you'll be better off in the long run. Successful relationships work because both people WANT to be with the other.
2. Don't sleep with roommates. I have never heard of a situation when it worked out.
3. I would guess that he doesn't invite you out with the guys because you are no longer "one of the guys." You are now a sex partner.


Originally posted by velvetgoldmire
You're fucked. you should have checked the safety on that gun before you shot yourself in the foot. It sounds like you're headfucking yourself. You should not have started messing around with your roomate, especially after he just went through an emotional and traumatizing breakup and especially not while he was still your roomate.


Originally posted by stormryder
Amen on the roommate part. I did, wasn't a great idea, lost a roommate and a good friend.


Originally posted by Funshine


Hate to say it... But I totally agree.

Doing roomies is never a good idea. You tend to loose both a friend and someone else to share the rent with.


Originally posted by stormryder
Not to mention get a negative reputation regarding your roommate potential with the opposite sex....

:werd: to ALL the posts I quoted. :D

[the sex molesters]

as has been said, i would say no matter his intentions, you have already made a serious mistake......

[Tigger]

altough I agree w/ what has been said I have to say that when 2 people are seriously into each other none of that matters. love conquers all! he is not that into you, sorry.

[Kuro]

I think you should be asking him whats up rather than people on the Buzz board. Not to insult people on the Buzz board, but... I don't know how to finish this sentance.

[retail]

:haha:

[LadyJ]

Originally posted by Kuro
I think you should be asking him whats up rather than people on the Buzz board. Not to insult people on the Buzz board, but... I don't know how to finish this sentance.
I totally agree with this. I usually spout off about communication and honesty and whathaveyou, but it sounds like he's being pretty honest. Any advice should be taken with a grain of salt. Obviously everyone has to make their own decisions in life.

[velvetgoldmire]

Originally posted by Kuro
I think you should be asking him whats up rather than people on the Buzz board. Not to insult people on the Buzz board, but... I don't know how to finish this sentance.
:haha:

[velvetgoldmire]

Originally posted by Tigger
when 2 people are seriously into each other none of that matters. love conquers all!
That's an awfully naive sentiment.

[Wickity]

Originally posted by Kuro
I think you should be asking him whats up rather than people on the Buzz board. Not to insult people on the Buzz board, but... I don't know how to finish this sentance.


I agree.. I also don't know how to finihs that sentence.

[breaks princess]

Originally posted by Kuro
I think you should be asking him whats up rather than people on the Buzz board. Not to insult people on the Buzz board, but... I don't know how to finish this sentance.

:afterbuzz:

I concur. All you are going to hear from the board is sarcastic comments. Not heartfelt advice.

But on the sleeping with roomate thang, I've seen many seasons of The Real World that show it's not the best of ideas.

Amaya and Colin. RW Hawaii. Ouch.

[Wickity]

Originally posted by velvetgoldmire

That's an awfully naive sentiment.

It *is* coming from the same person who actually said "only love can conquer hate"...

[iminxtc]

Originally posted by velvetgoldmire
You're fucked. you should have checked the safety on that gun before you shot yourself in the foot. It sounds like you're headfucking yourself. You should not have started messing around with your roomate, especially after he just went through an emotional and traumatizing breakup and especially not while he was still your roomate.

i agree, your going ot regret this when your looking for a new place to live.

[the sex molesters]

Originally posted by breaks princess


:afterbuzz:

I concur. All you are going to hear from the board is sarcastic comments. Not heartfelt advice.

But on the sleeping with roomate thang, I've seen many seasons of The Real World that show it's not the best of ideas.

Amaya and Colin. RW Hawaii. Ouch.


i gave heartfelt advice, and it is that she made a big mistake. i've made that mistake myself. i should know.

[velvetgoldmire]

Originally posted by Wickity


It *is* coming from the same person who actually said "only love can conquer hate"...

From one of my favorite Kevin Spacey monologues-

"Life is not a movie. Everyone lies. Good guys lose. And love does not conquer all."
- Buddy Ackerman; Swimming with Sharks

[Kuro]

My advice was heartfelt. It just happens that my heart feels both contempt and loathing for you all.

[skaiblue]

thanx guys....
I'm taking all your advice into consideration...and I agree, I think he's just playing w/me. I think that he's also been sleeping around w/someone else b/c some things I notice just don't add up. AAARGGGH...no good, lying bastard! BTW, if you ever meet someone named MAC/DJ MAC, run!!! He is one straight up DOG!

Also, just so everyone knows, we were former roommates. I moved out, but still hang out w/him and one of my other ex-roommates every now and then.

I'd hate to lose someone with whom I think there would be great potential for a relationship (since we get along so well), but unfortunately, I think he's still tying up loose ends with his ex and I shouldn't have been so naive. Damn, why can't I just find one good man???! just one!

Thanx y'all for keeping it real w/me. Mad luv to you all.

[Light Touch]

<--- good man.

[velvetgoldmire]

<---- Ranger from the North.
<---- Heir to the throne of Gondor
<---- Descendent of Numinor
<---- Isildur's heir

You owe me your alliegence.

[The Logic Theorist]

When a guy gets dumped and screwed over, the first thing he does is look for comfort in another female, if for no other reason than to remind himself that it wasn't his fault and he's not some kind of loser. Usually, for guys, this involves sex. It's a reaffirming action.

Now, in most cases, said guy has to leave the house, go bar hopping, and try to pick someone up. Which, depending on his self confidence after said breakup might not be an easy task. You happened to be there and he didn't even have to leave the house. So, if you honestly wanted a relationship from him you shouldn't have jumped in when he was still fucked in the head.

So at this point in time, he is avoiding you because he's realized he used you, and feels guilty. Doubly so because you're pressuring him for something more. If you want your friendship back you need to stop trying to push him into a relationship that he's said he doesn't want.

To be fair, I'm not trying to say what he did was in any way shape or form right. You are in the right. But, I'm giving you advice on damage control because there's not much more you can do to fix it. If I were you I'd just walk off, but it's up to you if you choose to forgive him. You might try communicating to him that you understand that what happened was a result of his depression about being dumped, but it sounds like you're pretty angry.

Finally though, why would you still be asking if you have a chance for a relationship with someone you just called a lying dog? Do you really believe he hurt you on purpose or are you just saying that because you're angry?

[EurotrashEve]

#1 rule no matter how hot your roommate is don't hook up with them..unless you have an alternative place to stay..jealousy issues etc..

Plus ,if he was engaged...no matter how much a person bitches about their ex ..the more you hear, the more they actually miss them. + you'd be their "re-bound chick".if you feel intensely for this guy I wouldn't do it...it'll cause waay too much drama in the end.

+ if a guy/girl talks too negatively about their ex ..then odds are if you guys ever got more into a relationship and then broke up he'd be shit talking about you too..ask yourself do you really want to deal w/ that.

* Yes, in a way it's awesome having someone right there when you come home feeling really horny..to fuck as often as you please. But on the other hand there are tons of ppl out there..that don't live with you. What would happen if after you two agreed on no sex after it happened and they brought someone home, you'd feel jealous or he would....altogether it's a bad idea.

[Yakko Red]

Originally posted by velvetgoldmire
You're fucked. you should have checked the safety on that gun before you shot yourself in the foot.

That is a beautiful opening sentence if I've ever seen one...

[Yakko Red]

Originally posted by logictheorist
When a guy gets dumped and screwed over, the first thing he does is look for comfort in another female, if for no other reason than to remind himself that it wasn't his fault and he's not some kind of loser. Usually, for guys, this involves sex. I

?

Nothing helps a guy forget a woman like another woman..

[The Drifter]

Are you sure, beer did a preety good job when I needed to forget about a girl.

[Yakko Red]

Beer is good, and hangovers make for great inspiration no doubt, but another woman is definitely the key to forgetting about another woman.

[punkasschikadee]

you know what he did and didnt want to start off with, so dont expect him to change and dont expect shit that he told you wasnt gonna happen

[BlondiElaina]

My advice is that he probably is not trying to hurt your feelings but he may still have feelings for his ex and doesnt want to get all confused. So enjoy what he is giving you but dont think to much of the relationship and let him come to you when he is ready.

And I think its ok to ask on Buzz MB, Its a way to get different peoples advice. its not like you have to take it.

Good Luck

[sweetjen<3]

I've been in this rut b4 and with roomates it's really hard. just be careful and don't do anything you'll regret!!! and it'll be all good!

[jleib]

sleeping with other peoples roommates is great! :thumbsup:
:smooch: :buttsex: :patricia: :thumbsup:

[ggfab]

Originally posted by skaiblue
I had problems submitting my message the first time, so here is the rest of it...
I was in a similar relationship before where my ex was very possessive and controlling of me, so I understand what he is going thru, but at the same time, I don't want to have false hope that one day he will want to be serious with me. I also know that he has been on other dates with other people (we both agreed that we could see other people) which is okay, but it also makes me wonder what the hell is wrong w/me that he doesn't want to date me seriously? Just so you know, he is the one that put the moves on me while we were roommates. someone help me out!!!

There may well be nothing wrong with you. Right now may be the best time for HIM to date and become secure and reassure himself after being in a long relationship. STOP feeling sorry for yourself. Date other people too and let him know that you're not nailing him to the wall. Maybe the last thing he needs right now is someone else trapping him...which in his mind is probably exactly that. How 'bout be his friend and let him make the decision when he feels comfortable...which is better? To tell you what you wanna hear or be honest and know it's right when the time comes...


Good luck:thumbsup:

[Julierose]

sorry i didnt read the whole thread but I just wanted to say:

Sex with roomates= :no:

in my experience, it usually ends up bad...

[skaiblue]

Thanks everyone, you have given me some good advice. Just to clarify one thang though...
He was not dumped by his ex. He was the one that broke off their engagement b/c she turned super psycho.
He still has to interact w/her every now and then b/c they are tying up loose ends (ending joint financial ties, clearing up joint debts, etc.)

Also, here is an update....
I brought up my concerns with him recently, basically told him that I noticed that things btwn us seemed to be different now and suggested that maybe we should end the casual relationship we've been having. At first, he acted like a jerk and gave me the line about..."needing space, not wanting to be in a relationship for while after what he experienced w/his ex.." I kept me cool, though I was very hurt inside, said "okay that's all I needed to know and that it was never my intention to invade his space or pressure him," packed up my things and left his room. I wouldn't even call it an argument, but I guess that 's the closest we've ever been to having any sort of friction btwn us. I have never pressured him in any way and don't intend to, but I also don't want to end up being hurt.

His housemate (and my friend) let me sleep in his bed next door for the rest of the night while he went out with some buddies. About 20-30 min. later, I heard some loud romantic music coming from his room (Phil Collins- In Too Deep). Then later on that night(or early in the AM I guess) I was woken up b/c my friend had gotten in trouble w/the cops and while me and him were trying to help our friend out, he acted unusually nice and flirty w/me. He even told me straight up that he enjoys spending time with me. Amidst our friend's drama and spending the night at the police station, the night ended with us sharing a dessert at Dennys and falling asleep in each other's arms (all by his choice).

As for the trust issue, I trusted him a lot in the beginning, but there are some things that still don't add up, so I am being a little cautious. It's not in my nature to get very jealous, but I am just not down with mixing germs and getting VD if he is sleeping w/somebody else (which was explained to him at the start). If I see more concrete evidence, then I will just drop him. In the meantime, I am just going to act like a good friend to him and hopefully, when he is ready, things will work out between us.

Thanks again Buzz peoples for giving me some honest feedback. I really appreciate it, especially the guys' perspectives. I owe ya one!



Originally posted by BlondiElaina
My advice is that he probably is not trying to hurt your feelings but he may still have feelings for his ex and doesnt want to get all confused. So enjoy what he is giving you but dont think to much of the relationship and let him come to you when he is ready.

And I think its ok to ask on Buzz MB, Its a way to get different peoples advice. its not like you have to take it.

Good Luck


Originally posted by ggfab


There may well be nothing wrong with you. Right now may be the best time for HIM to date and become secure and reassure himself after being in a long relationship. STOP feeling sorry for yourself. Date other people too and let him know that you're not nailing him to the wall. Maybe the last thing he needs right now is someone else trapping him...which in his mind is probably exactly that. How 'bout be his friend and let him make the decision when he feels comfortable...which is better? To tell you what you wanna hear or be honest and know it's right when the time comes...


Good luck:thumbsup:


:thumbsup: :raveon:

[Taishou]

Have you checked the safety?