Super Sex Tips from Sleazy Simon

[Simon]

http://www.jennyspray.com (Female orgasm Tips: 'Want to squirt? If you can come, you can squirt-this web site is devoted to female ejaculation and multiple orgasms . . .' [advice for women AND men])

http://www.findthegspot.com (G Spot Guidance)

http://www.willyworries.com/index.php?id=25 (FAQ: 'Does it matter that I have a small penis?')


Read up people! Amazing sex is very important in living a fulfilling life!! Don't be left unsatasfied!

[tigermomma]

ENOUGH OF THIS SQUIRTING BUSINESS.

Where were all you people AT last summer!!!!

:ontome:

[Simon]

i guess i missed something

[housecat]

Simon is a :sexaddict:

[blewmymindblank]

Dina, name one guy that's not :D

[Simon]

Dina, You Suck! For whatever reason I can't see what little Icon you put there

If you said:
:sexaddict:



You are correct!
( can't see that Icon either )

[Muramasa]

Originally posted by blewmymindblank
Dina, name one guy that's not :D

:slap:

You never learn, do you?
:D

[blewmymindblank]

learn...what's that?


*but I don't wanna get up for school mommy*

[housecat]

Originally posted by Simon
Dina, You Suck! For whatever reason I can't see what little Icon you put there

If you said:
:sexaddict:



You are correct!
( can't see that Icon either )
Yes I did say :sexaddict: so HA!!!!

:neener: to you for not getting to see the smilies!!

mwahaha

[Simon]

its funny, I can see all of them but that one and :bookonraves: & :asian:




:crying2:

[Simon]

To get this thread back on topic I present the flowing-

The Vice Guide To Anal Sex

Back in University, while having sex with my 32 year-old militant feminist
girlfriend, a phrase slipped out of my mouth. We were in that primal mode-
in auto-pilot when weird sounds come out like “goood” and “do it -fucker.”
This time however, out of nowhere I go, “I love hurting you.”

Instead of getting angry or disturbed, her eyes lit up and she said “I
love it when you hurt me.”

That was the first time I totally understood what it’s all about. Love
hurts and sex is hostile. As Robert J. Stoller writes in Sexual
Excitement: “the absence of hostility leads to sexual indifference and
boredom. Humans are not a very loving species especially when they make
love.” In a time when everything is about egalitarianism and feeling good
we are forgetting the merits of pain. What about the joy of dirty smells
and helplessness? The joy of taking over someone’s body like snake with a
frog in its mouth. I love that shit.

So without further ado, here is the VICE guide to the cruelest of
lovemaking. The only sexual taboo left: getting reamed up the cake.

FAGS GO HOME
Before we get started. We have to zero in on who we are talking about.
This article is not for fags. Telling fags how to have anal sex is like
telling Puerto Ricans how to have babies. Fags are so over it they could
wake up in a sea of blood and poo, with a hangover and say, “that didn’t
work out so well. Let’s go get some Amyl Nitrate and try it again.” They
are the masters of the sport and have all kinds of great tips on how to
use crack and other drugs but, I don’t know, that’s just not the hetero
way.

This instructional guide is for heterosexual couples who want to put the
boy’s dink in the girl’s bum. There is a side bar on how to nail hetero
guys but it’s so easy it only deserves a few words.

GIRLS NOT DOWN WITH THE BROWN
Not all ladies are potential sodomites. Maybe she was raped in the bum at
14. Maybe she grew up with a lot of homophobic brothers and believes
that “anuses are for fags.” Or, maybe she’s just not built for it, you
know, the same way middle-aged men can’t do gymnastics and 13 year-old
girls are notoriously bad lieutenants.

The “no way in hell” girls have two distinct characteristics. One, they
hate bands with female singers and two, they shake their heads when you
ask them if they liked the first try and then go “it felt like I had to go
poo.” If you’re girl is like this stop reading now and try to get over it.


GIRLS DOWN WITH THE BROWN
There are several types of ladies that are perfect for sodomy. First
generation immigrants are great because, after being bombarded with all
kinds of new experiences (baseball, MTV, spaceship cars) she is ready to
try anything. Virgins are good too. They just figured out how to work
their vagina so adding another one next to it isn’t so absurd. It’s like
someone coming over with an extra cup when you’re doing the dishes. You’re
just like, “oh that too? Oh OK let’s get it soaped up.” The ultimate catch
as far as willingness goes would have to be Catholic schoolgirls. Thanks
to oppressive fathers insisting their hymen stays intact, every other
orifice gets a rigorous workout before graduation. In fact, nine times out
of ten it’s the Catholic schoolgirl that introduces it to the boy. “You
don’t need a condom,” she’ll say,”we can bungi” (that’s their special word
for it) and then that spoiled little boy is ruined forever.

Odds are, you’re in a relationship with someone in between. She’s not
totally against or totally into it. If so, you should be reading this,
which you are, so, good.

GOOD PAIN VS BAD PAIN
Oh wait there’s more shit we have to clear up. Before you start hurting
someone, let’s make it clear what kind of pain we are talking about. There
is good pain and bad pain. Good pain is dull and all-consuming and bad
pain is sharp and very localized. If you’ve ever put a girl’s legs behind
her head and had your boner ram her cervix during sex that’s what bad pain
is like. You can tell because she gets up fast like your dink’s an
electric eel and it makes her so mad the lay is usually over. A well-
lubed, slow and careful intrusion is a good pain like being sat on by a
fat person you love. The bad pain of an unlubed and rushed anal intrusion
cuts her ass, pisses her off and kills the whole thing forever.

GETTING IN THE DOOR
She won’t like anal sex until her 17th time. It’s an acquired taste. But
you have to get her to want to go through that good pain, 17 times. To get
that response, you must employ the “Pavlov’s Dog” technique. When you’re
eating her out, occasionally touch around the asshole. Give it small and
swirling “hellos” like if you were trying to pet a newborn squirrel
without scaring it too much. It’s best to try this when she’s totally
horned up out of her mind and plastered. If you take it slow and easy and
smart you’re looking at a total time of five months. Don’t be afraid to
lick it sometimes. Salad tossing is not gross with women because they shit
roses. Put your finger in there and smell you finger. See? Roses.

After you’ve got through the taboo front gate you can start being more and
more friendly with the baby squirrel.

EMERGENCY RESCUE
If things are going too slow you should skip to the “Turning Him Over”
sidebar and have her try it on you. Once you’ve gone through it her
curiosity is awoken. She’ll be like “didn’t it feel like you had to go
poo?” And you can be like “no, I loved it.” Then she’ll be like “really?”
Nice save.

THE BROWN CAVE
After massaging becomes totally commonplace you can occasionally inject a
well-lubed pinkie in there when she’s cumming. This is called the Trojan
Pinkie Pavlov Horse or “TPPH” for short (pronounced by making a fart sound
with your mouth).

You are going to notice some weird things in there. First of all there’s a
lot more room, than you expected. Once you get past the bouncers, it’s a
roomy club. That’s why butt plugs are cinched where the anus goes but are
all big where the rectum is. You may also notice a very prominent
pulsating vein. I have no idea what the fuck that is. It’s a vein.
Probably a good way to check someone’s pulse if they have fat wrists
because the thing is like “bong, bong, bong, bong.” Don’t worry about the
vein.

The third thing you may or may not notice is a little soft finger poking
back at you. Like a squishy little Turkish ET. That is a piece of poo.
Don’t tell her you felt that or she’ll be all grossed out. Just treat it
like a pussy fart and pretend it never happened. Incidentally, the poo
finger means you are going to get some shit on your cock. You’re probably
wearing a condom anyway but if you aren’t, get to the bathroom the second
you are done. DO NOT PASS OUT! Waking up hungover with a shit encrusted
foreskin is a dangerous way to hit the showers. The hot water reactivates
the stench and your already delicate stomach will kick food out of your
body like a shovel throwing dirt.

THE SECOND DINK
Once she’s kind of into finger cameos, start incorporating the lubed
finger during fucking. Now you can start going from pinkies to index to a
thumb. Then maybe even two fingers. You are at the point now where the
anus has become a baby vagina.

Now she actually looks forward to her daily anal penetration. Don’t
underestimate how far you’ve come. This is as exciting as the first time
you got a girls pants off and was able to finger her properly. If things
keep going this well she may eventually learn to cum from it.

Just kidding only God gets that.

TOY TOWN
Before moving on to dink town you can pull butt plugs into the equation
and other fun toys. Your basic dildo is a good way to stretch out a rookie
ringpiece because it has no ridges or things to trigger a cut.

PROM NIGHT
Don’t get too excited you fuckers. You’re not there yet. Lube the shit out
of her ass and your dink and place your dink’s face right at the anus.
Then go “It’s going to go in your ass.” Make doubly sure it’s lined up and
say “push back.” Unless you’re a 14 year-old on Viagra, things may get a
bit bendy here. Hold your dick solid by grabbing it just behind the head
the way you would a deadly snake.

It’s important that she relaxes and doesn’t freak out or it’s going to
hurt and then you’re back to step one again. One good way to keep it
sexual and relaxed is to be rubbing her pussy as she pushes back on it and
even throw in some gentle verbal coaxing.

If she’s not into it or it hurts too much give up and try again in three
days. Don’t worry it’s not over. If you’re really eager to try again you
can put it back there just as you cum (assuming you take the condom off
like I know you would you dirty bastard) and all the lube of blowing your
load will sloop it in. Not exactly a reaming but it’s a good first try.

YOU’RE IN
Once you get it all the way in and there’s no cuts or damage, start going
at it at a reasonable pace right away. If you’re too slow it’s going to
hurt her more so get that bad part out of the way ASAP.

THE WORD
After the “no cutting it” rule the second heaviest piece of information
about anal sex is a magical and totally unique sound she makes that tells
you you’ve made it. It’s a word that means you have stuck your flagpole at
the top of anal mountain and, more importantly, will be invited back
again.

The word is a magical four-letter word that sounds like “ungh” but is not
to be confused with “uh” or “unh.” “Ungh” is a deep-throated “uuunnngh”
that sounds like the person saying it is not the person saying it. Like a
demonic possession made her roll her eyes back into her head and replaced
her voice with Barry White getting kicked in the stomach. Seriously, it’s
almost scary. It’s so Exorcist guttural you expect her head to rotate 360º
and projectile vomit to blast into your face followed by the words “mea
culpa lorem ipsum nosferatu.”

SURVIVING THE UNGH
Don’t get too proud of yourself partner. You may have made it but now it’s
time to run with the ball like Satan would want you to. Keep rubbing that
pussy and up the anti with a bit of dirty talk. Getting her to say “you
are fucking me in my ass” is really good for some reason and of course “I
love your cock in my ass” is great too.

POST COITAL
After you cum take the condom off and throw it far away in case there’s
poo on it. If you weren’t wearing a condom then go “pee” and, when you’re
in the bathroom, wash it off.

Now that it’s over let’s have a bit of affection. While your red knob
throbs down to its original size and jiz seeps out of her ass show her
that Dr. Jekyll is back and he still has a huge crunch on her. Try
spooning her and singing the following:

“snuggle frog, snuggle frog, I love you. I got a snuggle frog how about
you?”

Now sleep.

GAVIN MCINNES

[DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR]

:haha:

:afterbuzz:

[iminxtc]

damn, longest post ever. (ADHD)

[Fetterbug]

Holy shit, that was fucking funny. Pun intended,

[badkitty3804]

awww...a new sex guru.

[Fetterbug]

Originally posted by iminxtc
damn, longest post ever. (ADHD)


ADHD? Don't you mean TPPH?

[badkitty3804]

or just....:dphba:

:D

[evey]

:siihp: then :dphba:

[evey]

:haha:

Same post time!

[badkitty3804]

Great minds think alike :D

[evey]

Indeed!

[miss becca]

greatest article ever. muwahahahaha.

[rockyblue]

:afterbuzz: :afterbuzz: :afterbuzz:

:patricia:

[ArceB]

:buttsex:

[Tigger]

LOL!

[DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR]

Originally posted by iminxtc
damn, longest post ever. (ADHD)

Ohhhh... but it's sooo worth it in the end :afterbuzz:

Best. Article. Ever!

[JOEYd]

this thread needs to be bumped













*bump*

[punkasschikadee]

:ANden:

(*bump*)

[punkasschikadee]

bumpin uglies

[JOEYd]

every girl needs to be aware that you can have very powerfull orgasm's from anal sex.


yes it is true.


but only if done right.

[LadyJ]

Well, thank you, Joey. Are you registering people for classes yet?

:jk:

[Simon]

Recentley rediscovered, this thread needs a good bump, as I'm sure there are alot of newbies who would deffinatley get a kick out of it.

[ms boombatti]

Recentley rediscovered, this thread needs a good bump, as I'm sure there are alot of newbies who would deffinatley get a kick out of it.
:yes:

Good call.

Newbie here. Loved reading the super long post about anal first thing in the morning. :thumbsup:

[Kif]

wow, talk about some http://www.sidekickkarate.com/_borders/resurrect.jpg

[ms boombatti]

wow, talk about some http://www.sidekickkarate.com/_borders/resurrect.jpg
I think it's a worthy thread tho.

Made my morning! :D

[bkidz]

wow, talk about some http://www.sidekickkarate.com/_borders/resurrect.jpg


http://www.dogma-movie.com/pics/church/images/bigguy.jpg

You got that right.

[Kif]

right on...still some old shit though

[Ink Blot]

Holy shit, that was fucking funny. Pun intended,

:stupid:

[L00p33]

Joey is giving "anal" classes to women? What??!!! You mean to say that Joey 'knows' how anal can be done 'right'? Interesting (coming from a guy) :wink:

Simon...thank you for your insight and concern for your fellow buzzboarders. You really care about people, don't you!! :D (gotta love him!!)