12 Days of Christmas

[empath]

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes

Dearest John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes

Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?
Affectionately,
Agnes

Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes

Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes

John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes

OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes

Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours!
Agnes

You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it!!
Agnes

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Cajole

[breaks princess]

This is kind of along the same lines and funny:

Subject: The Christmas Party
>>
>>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>>TO: All Employees
>>
>>DATE: October 01, 2003
>>
>>RE: Christmas Party
>>
>>I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
>>place
>>on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
>>the
>>Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
>>have a
>>small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
>>And
>>don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
>>Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among
>>employees
>>can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to
>>make
>>the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is
>>only
>>for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that
>>time!
>>
>>Merry Christmas to you and your family.
>>
>>Patty
>>
>>========================================================================
>>=
>>
>>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>>TO: All Employees
>>
>>DATE: October 02, 2003
>>
>>RE: Holiday Party
>>
>>In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
>>employees.
>>We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
>>coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
>>However,
>>from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
>>applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those
>>still
>>celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
>>present.
>>No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for
>>your
>>enjoyment.
>>
>>Happy now?
>>
>>Happy Holidays to you and your family.
>>
>>Patty
>>
>>====================================================================
>>
>>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>>TO: All Employees
>>
>>DATE: October 03, 2003
>>
>>RE: Holiday Party
>>
>>Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
>>requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
>>happy
>>to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
>>reads,
>>"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
>>handle this?
>>
>>Somebody?
>>
>>Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
>>since the
>>union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
>>believe
>>$10.00 is a little chintzy.
>>
>>NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>>
>>=====================================================================
>>
>>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>>To: All Employees
>>
>>DATE: October 04, 2003
>>
>>RE: Holiday Party
>>
>>What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
>>the
>>Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
>>during
>>daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
>>how a
>>luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
>>employees'
>>beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
>>until
>>the end of the party-or else package everything for you to take it
>>home
>>in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
>>arranged for
>>members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet
>>and
>>pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays
>>are
>>allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
>>Gay
>>men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
>>arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
>>permission to
>>cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster
>>seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on
>>a
>>diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for
>>those
>>people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh
>>fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No
>>Sugar"
>>desserts. Sorry!
>>
>>Did I miss anything?!?!?
>>
>>Patty
>>
>>========================================================================
>>
>>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>>TO: All F*cking Employees
>>
>>DATE: October 05, 2003
>>
>>RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
>>
>>Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
>>keep
>>this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you
>>can sit
>>quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
>>quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*cking salad bar, including
>>organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
>>scream
>>when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
>>scream
>>right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
>>die,
>>
>>
>>
>>The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
>>
>>=======================================================================
>>
>>FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>>
>>DATE: October 06, 2003
>>
>>RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>>
>>I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
>>recovery
>>and I'll continue
>>to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has
>>decided to
>>cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
>>23rd off
>>with full pay.
>>
>>Happy Holidays!
>

[Anti-DieselKitty]

:haha:

[DNAgirl]

Those were both great. Thanks for making me laugh today :D

[breaks princess]

When someone sent me the xmas party one I thought it was an internal email at my office. I'm sure it happens in every office, every year. Those poor HR ladies.

[blewmymindblank]

My office is small, 4 people including me. And we're all between the ages of 26 and 29. Pretty easy to organize a party for us. Our x-mas party is tonight and we're going to happy hour :yes:

[Nos]

I printed this out and put it on the lunch table.

Fuckin hilarious.

[tigermomma]

Originally posted by blewmymindblank
My office is small, 4 people including me. And we're all between the ages of 26 and 29. Pretty easy to organize a party for us. Our x-mas party is tonight and we're going to happy hour :yes:

 

:stupid:

We're going to this excellent hispanic restaurant Altacatl tomorrow night *yum*

[Mokey]

Too funny, I can relate to the company holiday party. Everytime I try to organize a party for my friends, it ends up something like that. I refuse to do them anymore.

[Electric Head]

*12 Days of Christmas* Re-Examined in Light of Competition

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Happy Holidays!

[housecat]

:haha:

I'm actually in tears laughing at this. Emailing it to a coworker now :)

[BuzzCat]

My particular office is small but the company is huge. We still have an X-mas party. Of course the colorscheme of the company is a little bland if you get my drift. Nobody to really argue.

[Electric Head]

We have over 200 people in our organization.....and yes, some of em throw down at the office party!

[Electric Head]

Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves:

"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

"I taught Santa everything he knows."

"I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

"I can get you off the Naughty List."

[Phoenix]

Resurrecting threads are fun.

:buttsex:

[empath]

jesus i've been on the board for a long time.

[The Drifter]

Just think, if you spent 1 hour a day on the board for the last 5 years you have wasted a total of 35 days of your life. Kinda sad isnt it?

[Cliff]

Resurrecting threads are fun.

:buttsex:

There's no way you can possibly know the hillarity of this post and how right you really are.

[Phoenix]

Just think, if you spent 1 hour a day on the board for the last 5 years you have wasted a total of 35 days of your life. Kinda sad isnt it?

I think it's more like 76 days.

1 hour per day per year = 365 hours per year (not accounting for leap years)

365 hours x 5 years = 1825 hours

1825 hours/24 = 76.04 days

and to really hit the point home:
76.04 days/30 (approx# of days in a month) = 2.534 months


But yeah, it's a LOT of time to spend posting.

[Phoenix]

There's no way you can possibly know the hillarity of this post and how right you really are.


I love/cringe at reading the stupid shit I used to post. lol.

[ravetildawn]

i'll be in raleigh with the fam - my brother, sister-in-law and the twins will be there too, woot!
not sure if i'll be coming back for new years eve though for teh rave.

xmas shopping almost done too. so stressful.

[jibboo]

Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves:

"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

"I taught Santa everything he knows."

"I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

"I can get you off the Naughty List."
poor lance