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View Full Version : Read this and learn it-- your woman will never have a complaint again.


Synthetikid
2003-12-16, 11:01 PM
http://www.smart.net/~kaz/cunnilingus.html

Special Cunnilingus Techniques and Secrets

The best part of sex, in my far-from-humble opinion, is the pleasure you can cause in your partner(s).
While being stimulated by your partner is certainly far better (for most people, if their partner's any good at
it) than masturbation, it is still pretty much the same, only better.
Going down on a lover, on the other hand, allows you to get a kind of pleasure that you cannot give yourself, even
in part; the vicarious or empathic response you get from their reactions.
The techniques here, therefore, are centered around cunnilingus, including (since there's no separate name) using
your fingers. Along a similar line I've now written Advanced Fellatio Techniques and Secrets. This was learned
as a subject, not performer, but with the same quality of skill involved. Because of the number of questions I
received on the subject, I also have Advanced Anal Sex Techniques, for those who want to know about that.

Basic Guidelines:
"Less" is always the best way to start out if you don't know exactly what a specific person likes. It's
much safer to build up from "not enough" than to try to back down after shattering the mood by being too
rough. The final argument to ensure that you always apply this rule is this -- If you start out "too"
gentle/slowly, in most cases this just excites your lover more, even in the rare cases that it frustrates her
a little. But if you start out "too" rough for her, it almost always turns her off to the whole thing.
The differences between women cannot be emphasized enough -- no matter what you have
encountered so far, always assume that you have no idea what a new partner enjoys. It is entirely
possible to have had many lovers, and think
They are all pretty much the same or
You've learned all of the variations, and can tell who's what.
But this can be (and usually is) just a matter of random chance...you happened to get several similar lovers.
Eventually you will run into someone, or many people, who are completely different than those you've
known before.
Don't start by going down on her. Work your way up to it. Exceptions may be if you're in a hurry
before your Press Secretary shows up, or other situations where you're expected to act more directly.
It's worth observing that "work your way up to it" remains true no matter how many times you've been
with that lover. With a long-term lover it may seem like you can get right to the direct stuff, but working
your way up still has the same effect of increasing her excitement, with most women.
Along the same line of reasoning, don't start licking her clitoris immediately, when you do get there.
Start with the area around it, which can be pretty sensitive with some women, even if it doesn't seem to
cause the same dramatic response.
Even more important is to not immediately start inserting fingers in her vagina. With most women, that
really needs to be built up, first. It usually doesn't hurt to build up a little, even if she's already excited.
Remember this -- Most often, the tongue works best with the clitoris, the fingers with the vagina/g-spot.
Someone else's fingers on her clitoris tends to be a little rough, no matter how careful they are...and
almost all of the excitement she gets from attempting to lick into her vagina is psychological; she can't
really feel much that way.
Hand Care It's best to be sure your fingernail edges are very smooth, and preferably cut all the way
down to where they connect to your skin. No matter how careful you are, they are likely to cause her to
get a little sore inside, or even really hurt, feeling like a knife cutting her. This can even be the cause of
soreness that she doesn't realize is being caused by your nails. Being a guitarist, I have the nails on my
left hand trimmed back as far as I can cut them, anyway. Guitar also gives one's fret-hand amazing
endurance and finesse, for g-spot stimulation and other tricks.
Dental Dams These are, in most cases, just plain silly. Unlike almost any other form of sexual activity,
the odds of you transmitting or catching AIDS this way are almost zero. There are almost no cases of any
female homosexuals, for instance, even /claiming/ to have caught AIDS this way. In case you're wondering
what the hell I'm talking about, a "dental dam" is simply a condom cut in half lengthwise and used to keep
fluids from passing between mouth and vulva. And it's being advocated primarily by people who are simply
jealous that they're missing out on a great chance to be a "victim" in the issue of sexually transmitted
diseases.

Interesting note -- A little noise on your part usually doesn't hurt, and sometimes it helps. Some women are very
hung up on cunnilingus, determined to believe that, no matter how much you say otherwise (and she claims to
believe you), it may be at least a little unpleasant for you. If you're excited by her responses, or by the act
itself, don't try to stay quiet about it. The same kind of sounds that will reassure and excite a lover when
they're pleasuring you will often work when you're pleasuring them, too. This could be considered a secret
weapon in sex in general, because most guys are rather quiet, and yet women almost always find responsiveness
very exciting. The contrast between someone who's responsive and most of the other guys makes it even more
effective than it would already have been.

More Advanced Techniques:
The G-Spot
This does exist. And in over half of the women out there, it works better than anything else you can do to cause
a strong, prolonged orgasm. The original name is the Grafenberg spot, after a doctor, Earnest Grafenberg, who
documented the area (which may have been known by people here and there throughout history) in the fifties.
This "spot" is a small "mound" of tissue inside the vagina, between a penny and quarter in size, which responds to
being pressed upon. It's almost certainly not the skenes glands, (which are located around the urethra, which is
behind the G-spot area), as has been suggested by a few people. In fact, the G-Spot is the tissue in that raised
area of the vagina, which has a higher concentration of sexual nerves, and produces hormones similar to those
made by the male's prostate gland.
A sort of map to the area -- Imagine your lover lying on her back, legs spread. Your position is between her legs.
You would slide a finger inside her vagina, palm up. With your finger straight back, middle finger is best, you
would curve it toward yourself, gently, as if you were gesturing to someone to "come here". In doing so, the area
you press on should be pretty near her "G-Spot" area. If you know enough to follow the urethra (the tube that
leads from the bladder to where the pee comes out), along the inside of her vagina, you may feel a slight swelling
(if she's excited) at the point where the g-spot is.
She must be excited, especially if either you or she is new to the g-spot, for the g-spot to have any real effect
at all. It's not the ideal area for getting your lover aroused.
But when she is excited, this area (more often than not) is the best way to bring her to orgasm. You work your
way back to it gradually, teasing her (typically, this works best) with your fingers, slowly and gently. It's easier
to hit the right area with two fingers, but this may not be comfortable for her, depending on how "tight" she is
at that moment. When you have your fingers around the right area, try gently pressing, not too quickly. The
movement should be fairly rhythmic. It's typically best if you're licking her clitoris (or near it, depending on
the woman) at the same time...don't make a big deal out of the "quest", this will often make her feel
self-conscious, or distracted. The licking should seem to be the primary activity.
When you find the right area, she should respond by getting more excited. Most of the vagina's inside surface
isn't really that sexually sensitive, believe it or not...most of the excitement of randomly inserting fingers is
more psychological than from the actual stimulation.
While more complicated techniques work with some women, some of the time, the best basic technique, upon
finding the g-spot, is to continue to slowly, rhythmically press on it, while licking her clitoris (for a few women,
the labia (lips) are sensitive to licking, too).
This should cause her to build up to an orgasm.
A G-Spot orgasm is different (always, when it works at all) than any other kind women have. It is possible, with
some women, to have different qualities and kinds of orgasms from vaginal, clitoral, anal, and even breast
stimulation...but with other women, those kinds of orgasms are all pretty much the same. But the G-Spot orgasm
not only feels different; it also causes her body to react in a different way.
First, it often causes a "push out" orgasm. The area around, or "above" (farther inside, that is) your fingers
seems to swell up or to contract toward the opening of her vagina.
If you find the right combination of pushing back when this happens, and slacking off to let it push out, you can
cause (in perhaps half of the women) her orgasm to continue happening, long after normal ones would have
subsided. In some women you can even keep her at a "plateau" (raised level) of sexual excitement, like a
prolonged orgasm (or a little less than one) afterward, building up to an even bigger climax. I've managed to
keep this pattern of build-up, orgasm, plateau, orgasm, build-up, orgasm for over four hours, with one lover. We
stopped when, though she wanted to go on, she was so exhausted that she really had to stop.
That brings me to another important point; G-Spot orgasms sometimes (less than half of the women, I'd guess,
and in some of those women only occasionally) causes a huge amount (relatively speaking) of lubrication (juices,
wetness)...far more than even the most excited woman gets from "conventional" stimulation. It's a good thing, too,
because otherwise g-spot orgasms can only be prolonged for as long as she does not get raw/sore from it...which
is yet another reason to be gentle.
When that extra wetness combines with the push-out orgasm, you get actual ejaculation...like a guy, but much
better tasting. The built up juices can shoot out in such volume that you, or she, may be afraid that she lost
control of her bladder. That is (almost always) not what happened. The fear that she peed can be enhanced by
the fact that the urethra is behind the g-spot, so that in rare cases the woman can sometimes get the feeling that
she needs to pee, even though she does not.
In reality, in both men and women, enough sexual excitement prevents peeing, unless you try really hard. This is a
built-in reflex, because urine is something of a spermicide. The "pee hard-on" that men get in the morning is
partially his body taking advantage of this reflex, to keep him from accidentally wetting the bed with the urine
that built up while he was sleeping.


Licking the Alphabet
Believe it or not, Sam Kinnison's suggestion of licking the alphabet, one letter at a time, on and around her
clitoris/vulva actually works. I had come up with a similar technique myself, but his version is pretty close to
the perfect formula -- The real goal is to be able to keep regular, rhythmic motions going, but to change them in
some gradual pattern that isn't so different it throws her off, but isn't so redundant that she grows insensitive
to it. The alphabet is probably the longest chain of shapes that you can be sure to repeat smoothly and
rhythmically, without loosing track of where you are. Unless you are a victim of public education, I suppose, in
which case you may have to stick to the letters of your name, or the numbers one through nine (being too
confused by where to put the zero).
I would not suggest combining this with the g-spot stimulation, at least not with the intention of really giving her
g-spot orgasms. The two techniques conflict a bit, as the focus of arousal is so different.

Cough Drops - Nothing to Sneeze At
After you've thought about it for a while, this will seem obvious. Just remember that it probably wasn't, until a
minute ago...
The way a cough drop, either menthol or mint, works is to stimulate the mucus membranes in your mouth in the
special way that feels "cool and tingly". Well, one of the few other places (easily accessible) on the human body
that has mucus membranes is the vaginal area. Many people find that, correctly applied, a cough drop feels just
spectacular down there. Most people at least find it a very...ah...refreshing change of pace.

A few important tips:
Use sugar-free cough drops. N'ice is a great brand, especially the menthol or mint versions. If possible,
find one (whatever brand) with both menthol and mint. It's actually possible that sugar cough drops are
just fine, or even better...the debate is over whether the sugar might feed an already existing yeast
infection. The things I've heard from semi-expert (medically) people are that it may feed one (and thus
aggrevate it), that it actually will protect from yeast infection (I forget the reasoning, it may have been
a Ph thing), or that it's not the kind of yeast that eats sugar anyway. One thing's unanimous: sugar cough
drops won't make any difference unless you're already infected, they don't carry that kind of yeast. In
fact, a human's fingers or tongue would be more likely to (and even that is pretty unlikely, if they're of
even typical cleanliness).
Let the drop become even more rounded and smoothed by sucking on it for a while, if you're actually
going to apply it inside (which is the most effective way).
Speaking of which, the best thing to do is actually insert it with your fingers. This only works if you're
going to be using your fingers during the cunnilingus, though an alternative is to leave it there for a
while and then engage in coitus, which can be pretty nifty for both parties.
If not insertion, the best way is to simply suck on it and then, with cough-droppy saliva, lick her as you
would have done anyway,perhaps using the Alphabet method. This isn't quite as amazing, but is still
pretty good.
Altoids are supposed to be pretty good, but they're very powerful. I haven't yet verified whether they
work, though Don & Mike (Radio Gods) unintentionally made a big deal of it recently. They admitted
they were working from a position of ignorance, much like their reviews of movies they have never seen.
Don't forget to try breathing on, or blowing lightly on, her vagina/clitoris. The effect is more subtle
until you try this... it's the exposure to air that makes it especially tingly.

Just for Noel
When Christmas time rolls around, some stores sell a kind of candy cane that's over an inch thick and six or eight
inches long at the straight part (it may not even have the hooked part at all).
Take one end of that, and suck/lick it until it is more rounded and smooth, and you have one of the most
entertaining objects you might ever insert in your lover's vagina. It has that special minty feeling, like a cough
drop but milder, and is the approximate size/shape of a penis.

Butt-Free Anal Stimulation
I like making up titles.
The vagina actually shares a wall, on one side, with the rectum. Not only does this mean that sexual stimulation is
possible from anal entry (which is a whole separate page), it also means that a similar sensation can be acheived
without ever touching her butt (not that there's anything wrong with that...heh) by stimulating the side of her
vagina where it shares nerves with her rectum. This is more or less the exact opposite, one hundred eighty
degrees around, from the g-spot. In other words, if you were to reach in and arch your finger to touch her
g-spot, then rotate your hand to face the exact other direction and make a similar (but flatter) motion, you've
got the right area. Common sense should tell you where I'm talking about, anyway, since it's the area where it
would touch her rectum, inside.
It rarely works well to stimulate this early on...usually you need to not only build up to it, but even get her
pretty excited and sensitive first. This is not only to make the area more receptive, but also, in some cases, so
that she will be beyond any danger of distraction over the tabooness of how it feels somewhat like you're
stimulating her anally.
Press more with the length of your finger, not the tip. This works best, in many cases, as a change of pace, not
the main attraction. Which leads us to...

Around the World -- or the Sea, Anyway
Once you have your lover "used to" the whole g-spot stimulation thing (she will actually get "better at" cumming
from g-spot stimulation, the more it's done to her), you can try, occasionally and for variety, stimulating her
g-spot until she starts to really respond, then switching back and forth between pushing (as gently as normally
necessary for that particular lover) her g-spot and pressing the length of your finger on the opposite side, as
per the last section. Sometimes you can even get to the point of doing one press on one side, one on the other,
back and forth, which can feel amazing and a bit "what on earth are you doing? No, I didn't say to stop" to her.
Most likely, though, it'll work better if you switch every several seconds, not every time you press.

Around the World -- Part II
I should not fail to mention the cervix. You may not have even noticed it, by touch, but it's there and once you
find it you'll wonder how you missed it (unless your lover has had hysterectomy, in which case it's missing, no big
deal). This is yet another area where you definitely want to build up to stimulating, as it can actually be painful
to even touch if she's not excited enough...but, despite assumptions to the contrary, it can be very useful for
stimulation, done correctly.
As I said, issue #1 is that she must be very aroused. Well, bearing in mind that everyone's different, of course.
The Cervix is also about 180 degrees around from the g-spot, but it's in much deeper (typically). It leads back
to the rest of her reproductive organs, like the womb. If she's pregnant, don't mess with this at all. Watch out,
too, for IUDs and diaphrams and the like. Hopefully you are on good enough terms with her to already know if
she's using one of these contraceptive devices, which fit over the cervix.
The cervix is not an abtract "area", it actually juts up, like a little flesh mesa or something. It has an opening at
its very "peak", but this is normally closed pretty tightly.
The best way to start is to gently caress around the sides and base of the cervix. Remember, she should already
be very "hot" before you even start this part. Eventually, build up to circling it with one or two fingers, around
and around, gently staying in contact with it so she can feel the motion through the cervix itself. How hard you
can press depends a lot on the specific woman. This is also something that probably works better as a change of
pace, not the "main course" of the cunnilingus session...unless she really gets into it.
That circling motion may get another round of "what on earth are you doing...hey! Don't STOP doing it!".
You may even, and in my experience this rarely works, but works well when it does, be able to press directly on
the tip, with your finger or fingers, pressing it the way a penis might if one happened be entering her at the
right angle to hit her cervix.

Actual Anal Stimulation
This works very well with cunnilingus, if the woman is comfortable with it. In fact, it has its own section on the
Advanced Anal Sex Techniques page...I won't go into any real detail here but to point you to that page.
Comments/Appendices:

Taste
Anyone who likes, say, coffee or beer should have no room to complain about the way most women taste.
No, I don't mean it tastes like coffee or beer, genius...I mean that beer and coffee are, at best, acquired
tastes...they are not naturally pleasant to a human being, no matter how much your addiction to one or both
has convinced you otherwise. Most people, whether they remember it or not, had to learn to like the taste
of beer/coffee, and had the desire to be Like the Adults to help them along. Well, I'd list taking pleasure
in cunnilingus above drinking addictive beverages on the list of things that prove maturity. Aside from
that, there's the fact that many people who give it an honest try genuinely enjoy the taste/smell, myself
included. Had I not liked it, for some reason, I would have simply taught myself to like it, because of the
great pleasure it can bring. Aside from whether you find the taste/smell sexually exciting to begin with
(and, because of pheromones, males (at least) should), surely it will become ever more stimulating for you
as you come to associate it with the pleasure you can give.

Rest
If you do have a lover who can experience repeated, extended orgasms from g-spot stimulation, and you
(for some reason) need to take a break, the absolute best way to do this is to give her a clitoral orgasm.
This can be as simple as pushing even more gently and slowly on her g-spot, while giving her clitoris more
attention (it can often take more direct and firm stimulation by that level of arousal), so that her next
orgasm is really caused by the licking, not the pressing of your finger(s). This works because, with many
women anyway, clitoral orgasms leave her feeling very sensitive, and momentarily satisfied (or at least
wanting to take a breather).
There is, on the other hand, a very interesting trick for staying "in the game" when your tongue is getting
tired. Switch from moving your tongue directly, to using your whole jaw to move your tongue, by slightly
opening and closing it. If you tire of this, move your entire head, so that it's doing the actual work that
makes your tongue move. When even your neck tires, it's on to the final backup-plan, but the one that
works the longest; gently rock your entire body back and forth, at the same speed that you were doing
each of the other, so that it's your body that's actually doing the work to move your tongue. For someone
who hasn't built up the mighty endurance that's useful with a lover who can have hours of orgasms, this is
a great trick. Of course it mainly works when you're going simpler, rhythmic motions...save the fancy
tongue stuff for when your tongue's doing all of the work (you should be able to switch back to
tongue-only motion regularly, as it gets rested).
by kaz

Yakko Red
2003-12-16, 11:05 PM
Dear god,

The most fucked up trick you ever pulled was proving you don't exist....

Regards,
The guy on the couch

Synthetikid
2003-12-16, 11:06 PM
this may be a repost. and yeah, it's long, i know, but it's worth it.

Valencia Styles
2003-12-16, 11:27 PM
wow, someone's trying to be impressive for their next encounter i see....
studying up eh? we wish more men would so kudos to you!

A.J. Inx
2003-12-16, 11:27 PM
:cheer: Wow. Just... Wow. :cheer:

orangeglow
2003-12-16, 11:33 PM
Yea, that might just do the trick. :lessthanthree:

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 12:25 AM
Hells yeah!

So... Jake... how you doin?? :tarvis:

Valencia Styles
2003-12-17, 12:40 AM
lol the tarvis! :badkitty:

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 12:41 AM
I try.

Hehehehe

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 12:45 AM
I already knew this... Just figured i'd drop the knowledge

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 12:46 AM
Thanks for sharing :delirious:

lupitanahsee
2003-12-17, 12:52 AM
GOD BLESS YOU, Synthetikid!

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 12:54 AM
<---- talent going to waste.

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 12:55 AM
Originally posted by Funshine
So... Jake... how you doin?? :tarvis:

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 12:57 AM
cold... i need sox.

lupitanahsee
2003-12-17, 01:08 AM
Originally posted by Synthetikid
&lt;---- talent going to waste.

at least youre a good sport and are instructing all those schmucks out there that dont know the frist thing about the female anatomy...good job :thumbsup:

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 01:22 AM
it's funny... I'm the only guy commenting on this.

the definition of stupidity-- Having the information present and choosing to ignore it.

Valencia Styles
2003-12-17, 01:27 AM
that is the essence of the male though.... having things right in front of them aka gas stations and still ignoring it aka passing them by and not stopping to ask for directions

but yes ignorance is bliss... they get theirs and we get -------

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 01:29 AM
People are always suprised when, the first moment I appear to be lost, I pull over and ask directions....


But I tend to get lost a bunch.... :crying2:

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 01:31 AM
don't chalk that up to having a penis-- i and most guys i know are willing to ask for directions. women can be just as obtuse when in need of crucial information.

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 01:34 AM
Ever see the Home Improvement episode when Wilson tells Tim that men have a natural navigation device in their noses :delirious:

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 01:38 AM
I have noticed that people in general are much less likely to take advice from someone that actually matters like a signifigant other-- Instead they will take something a stranger says to heart and let it alter their behaviour. enigmatic.

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 01:40 AM
adversly, i'm not seeing any lesbians pipe in either.

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 01:42 AM
Originally posted by lupitanahsee


at least youre a good sport and are instructing all those schmucks out there that dont know the frist thing about the female anatomy...good job :thumbsup:


maybe i'm not being a good sport... maybe i'm seeing what response i get.

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 01:43 AM
Originally posted by Synthetikid
I have noticed that people in general are much less likely to take advice from someone that actually matters like a signifigant other-- Instead they will take something a stranger says to heart and let it alter their behaviour. enigmatic.

:hmm: That's no good. I expect to be listened to if I tell someone something I want to be done :D

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 01:43 AM
Originally posted by Synthetikid
adversly, i'm not seeing any lesbians pipe in either.

Give it more time, there aren't exactly that many people on the board right now :smooch:

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 02:04 AM
I know, i'm just pre-emptively goading everyone.

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 02:11 AM
Oh. Well then.

Please continue :yes:

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 02:24 AM
SO, what does a lesbian bring on a second date?

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 02:26 AM
Um... I dunno...

What does a lesbian bring on a second date???

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 02:32 AM
a U-Haul

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 02:34 AM
Um.. I'm so dense.

Or maybe just naive.... what does a U-Haul have to do with anything?

Chicago
2003-12-17, 02:38 AM
they should also go into proper sucking technique, it aint just for dick

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 02:42 AM
indeed-- but we need SOME advantage over the regular schmo

punkasschikadee
2003-12-17, 02:44 AM
and that ladies and gentlemen is what we call a build-up

punkasschikadee
2003-12-17, 02:44 AM
"there was a scientific study, the results of which were published recently. According to these results, the sex between a male and a female is the best when the man does everything to please the woman, because then the man receives the biggest pleasure too."

(people think im crazy when i leave that as my away message) :shrug:

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 02:45 AM
Originally posted by punkasschikadee
and that ladies and gentlemen is what we call a build-up

:afterbuzz:

Build-up indeed!

EurotrashEve
2003-12-17, 02:52 AM
Jake this thread is gonna get you laid

Shawn_E
2003-12-17, 02:52 AM
Hmmm I remember a long time ago I got the flames of the century posting something VERY similar to this...

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 02:55 AM
it's all in the delivery

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 02:55 AM
I don't think Jake needs a thread to get him laid :shrug:

But that's just my honest opinion...

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 02:58 AM
I am celebate. I said I want sox, not sex. sheesh!

punkasschikadee
2003-12-17, 02:59 AM
shawn its just natural for you to get flamed
i think people are just used to it, even when you do have useful information

Shawn_E
2003-12-17, 03:00 AM
Originally posted by Funshine
I don't think Jake needs a thread to get him laid :shrug:

But that's just my honest opinion...

and you are insuiting that I do? :shrug: now THATS comedy.

Shawn_E
2003-12-17, 03:00 AM
Originally posted by punkasschikadee
shawn its just natural for you to get flamed
i think people are just used to it, even when you do have useful information

OH, I guess that um..makes it all better..um.. thanks...:sadblue:

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:01 AM
Did I say anything that would insinuate that you needed a thread to get laid?

Hehehe... don't be silly!

I was remarking upon the comment Punkasschickie made... :D

punkasschikadee
2003-12-17, 03:01 AM
it was supposed to be comedic!
hardy har har?

Shawn_E
2003-12-17, 03:03 AM
Sorry just cranky I guess. My belly is getting big and Im worried hehe. I need to work out.

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:03 AM
Originally posted by punkasschikadee
it was supposed to be comedic!
hardy har har?

Man, boys are just misunderstanding us left and right tonight!!!

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 03:04 AM
it's okay mang... remember i tried to offer useful advice on your 'boner at work' problem and stood beside you on it (but not in front-- don;t wanna get poked)

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:04 AM
Originally posted by Shawn_E
My belly is getting big and Im worried hehe. I need to work out.

Well that makes two of us... :smooch:

Anyways.. with that, I'm off to bed!

NIGHTY NIGHTY!

punkasschikadee
2003-12-17, 03:07 AM
Originally posted by Synthetikid
it's okay mang... remember i tried to offer useful advice on your 'boner at work' problem and stood beside you on it (but not in front-- don;t wanna get poked)

ditto

i said get a sercretary under your desk... others disagree... i totally remember that thread

Milkman John
2003-12-17, 03:20 AM
now how about an article for women on how to properly suck a dick?

on another note, i notice there is a TON of information on the net that pertains to this and many other pleasurable subjects. why guys don't look into this shit religously is beyond me....girls too...

i mean shit, how do you expect to keep sex fresh and fuckin amazing after 2 years with someone....

eh. anyways, thanks for posting that jake, and i encourage you to post more...i just come off as a perv when i do it...

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:26 AM
:haha:

That's alright. It takes all types to make the world go round!

punkasschikadee
2003-12-17, 03:36 AM
i have to admit.. ive re-read the entire article

:afterbuzz:

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:39 AM
Me too.. I've read it a few times :yes:

EurotrashEve
2003-12-17, 03:40 AM
Jake went to bed.
Yeah, I don't need article for male or females
But thank you jake for posting it anyway...

punkasschikadee
2003-12-17, 03:42 AM
girls got skills

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:43 AM
:yes:

Now if only I could be as cool as Eve!

EurotrashEve
2003-12-17, 03:43 AM
OMG funshine off topic but did you see the white party pic of me & you..it's cute(SSB)?.....

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:44 AM
Hehehe.. I posted it already :yes:

It's adorable... you look :lessthanthree:

yvonison
2003-12-17, 03:47 AM
Originally posted by Fingerprint
now how about an article for women on how to properly suck a dick?



LOL.

EurotrashEve
2003-12-17, 03:48 AM
http://sideshowbob.darkravers.net/cubik1212/SSB_7731.JPG

punkasschikadee
2003-12-17, 03:49 AM
aww you guys are all... angelic :angel:

cee
2003-12-17, 08:09 AM
Double post!!!

cee
2003-12-17, 08:10 AM
Jake gets best article of da week award that links going on my desktop!!!

orangeglow
2003-12-17, 08:20 AM
It'd be better if you printed it out and kept it under your bed as a handy reference guide. :shrug:

Yakko Red
2003-12-17, 08:20 AM
Originally posted by Fingerprint
now how about an article for women on how to properly suck a dick?



:haha:

Julierose
2003-12-17, 11:24 AM
that was excessively long and tedious....

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 12:02 PM
Originally posted by Fingerprint
now how about an article for women on how to properly suck a dick?

on another note, i notice there is a TON of information on the net that pertains to this and many other pleasurable subjects. why guys don't look into this shit religously is beyond me....girls too...

i mean shit, how do you expect to keep sex fresh and fuckin amazing after 2 years with someone....

eh. anyways, thanks for posting that jake, and i encourage you to post more...i just come off as a perv when i do it...


BUT I AM A PERVERT!

as for the girls... the site in the first line should have an article on fellatio, if the site still works.

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 12:03 PM
Originally posted by Julierose
that was excessively long and tedious....


just the way you like it, right?

Yakko Red
2003-12-17, 12:13 PM
Originally posted by Synthetikid



just the way you like it, right? http://www.runicsoft.com/images/forumpics/dumbpeople.jpg

Synthetikid
2003-12-17, 12:26 PM
got any titanic or weakest link jokes for me while you're at it?

Gizmo
2003-12-17, 12:30 PM
:afterbuzz:

tigermomma
2003-12-17, 12:32 PM
Originally posted by Synthetikid

The built up juices can shoot out in such volume that you, or she, may be afraid that she lost control of her bladder. That is (almost always) not what happened. The fear that she peed can be enhanced by the fact that the urethra is behind the g-spot, so that in rare cases the woman can sometimes get the feeling that she needs to pee, even though she does not.&nbsp;


&nbsp;

:haha:

I could have used this article, ohhhhhh......5 months ago :thumbsup:

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

:D

evey
2003-12-17, 12:33 PM
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anti-DieselKitty
2003-12-17, 12:40 PM
I can't believe no one has mentioned "the move" from Seinfeld!

I'm disappointed in you Evey!

evey
2003-12-17, 12:52 PM
:haha:

It's all about "the swirl".

:D

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 01:08 PM
I'm glad I've yet to need an instruction manual in order to cause pleasure. I do understand that it doesn't come natural for everyone though, so very good post. The main thing you have to do is care about the person that you are with, and read their eye's and body motions. I also find more appeal in giving pleasure than receiving it, and as far as I know, I've never had any complaints :D

tigermomma
2003-12-17, 01:12 PM
:tarvis:

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 01:16 PM
:blush:





:nono:

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 01:17 PM
what happened to the blush smiley?

ravetildawn
2003-12-17, 02:25 PM
omg! everyone needs to read that article!! very nice!

Robby9969
2003-12-17, 03:26 PM
Nice post, I agree with everything on here, my last girlfriend and I had quite the private life :)...

I for one love to pleasure the girl I am with, it gets me going like woah...



:raveon:

Article One
2003-12-17, 03:37 PM
Originally posted by Synthetikid
this may be a repost. and yeah, it's long, i know, but it's worth it.


dude, if you need to read an article about how to eat a pussy, you're in some seriously sad fucking shape.

Wickity
2003-12-17, 03:39 PM
Originally posted by Robby9969
Nice post, I agree with everything on here, my last girlfriend and I had quite the private life :)...

I for one love to pleasure the girl I am with, it gets me going like woah...



:raveon:


And thank you for quoting the entire original article.. :D

It added immeasurable value to my life.. :redfu:

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 03:39 PM
:haha: Doug :hifive:

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:40 PM
OMG! I love the Anil Santa avatar :delirious:

Article One
2003-12-17, 03:42 PM
he brings joy all across the land.

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 03:43 PM
Originally posted by Article One
he leaves :poop: all across the land.

and the board

Article One
2003-12-17, 03:45 PM
now now, lets not turn this into another anil bashing thread. the avatar speaks many words on its own.

lets get back to the real subject: people who need to read an instruction manual* during sex.


*Now available in 4 languages!!!

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 03:45 PM
Originally posted by Article One
he brings joy all across the land.

That's good... just don't expect me to sit on his lap :afterbuzz:

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 03:50 PM
I'ms are guud in bed aftar reeding mah instrucktshun manuel

numbskull
2003-12-17, 03:51 PM
:dammit: look, i understand that some folks just don't have the skills, but i'm not exactly tradin off of my looks here! so thanks ever so freakin much from dealing a terrible blow to one of the few advantages i have.... god.... :shadyfu:

numbskull
2003-12-17, 03:51 PM
i hate my computer :skull:

Article One
2003-12-17, 03:54 PM
Originally posted by numbskull
:dammit: look, i understand that some folks just don't have the skills, but i'm not exactly tradin off of my looks here! so thanks ever so freakin much from dealing a terrible blow to one of the few advantages i have.... god.... :shadyfu:

:confused:

Gizmo
2003-12-17, 03:55 PM
ich ein berliner twinkie!

Robby9969
2003-12-17, 03:55 PM
Originally posted by Wickity



And thank you for quoting the entire original article.. :D

It added immeasurable value to my life.. :redfu:



I hope it did... It was my intent to do so:smurf:

numbskull
2003-12-17, 04:01 PM
Originally posted by Article One


:confused:

:gotme: not buying it?
heh, well....heheheheh.....yeah....

Gizmo
2003-12-17, 04:03 PM
I was just gonna say... some people need it spelled out for em I guess. :afterbuzz:


she's a carpet muncher! good gawd almighty! :delirious:

numbskull
2003-12-17, 04:05 PM
as long as i've been here, i'm pretty sure he knows already....

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 04:15 PM
my mom says, all I've gotta do to become a lesbian is munch on this box

Article One
2003-12-17, 04:21 PM
Originally posted by numbskull
as long as i've been here, i'm pretty sure he knows already....


yes, i did know that...


but at first i didnt understand who you were talking to in that post, thats all. :D

numbskull
2003-12-17, 04:22 PM
it was just a general cry of dismay

lupitanahsee
2003-12-17, 04:25 PM
Originally posted by Funshine


That's good... just don't expect me to sit on his lap :afterbuzz:

:delirious:

anil is teh hotness, i think id sit on his lap.

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 04:37 PM
Originally posted by Funshine


That's good... just don't expect me to sit on his lap :afterbuzz:


Originally posted by lupitanahsee


:delirious:

anil is teh hotness, i think id sit on his lap.


Why sit on the lap when the face is a much better seat

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

:delirious::afterbuzz::delirious:

the sex molesters
2003-12-17, 04:43 PM
so has anyone used these techniques with success?? lol.

lupitanahsee
2003-12-17, 04:44 PM
Originally posted by blewmymindblank






Why sit on the lap when the face is a much better seat

&amp;nbsp;

&amp;nbsp;

&amp;nbsp;

&amp;nbsp;

:delirious::afterbuzz::delirious:


:haha:
i guess this is the thread for that....
OH GOD!!! the thought of his scruffy, wonkey eyed self underneath of me makes me all warm and squishy....deep

































down...




























in my pants.....





































:nixo:

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 04:50 PM
Originally posted by lupitanahsee



:haha:
i guess this is the thread for that....
OH GOD!!! the thought of his scruffy, wonkey eyed self underneath of me makes me all warm and squishy....deep
down...
in my pants.....


:lick: :drool:&nbsp;

We knew you couldn't hide your true feelings forever

lupitanahsee
2003-12-17, 04:52 PM
god, someone hook me up...i just hope zartan doean't get jealous that i wanna steal his butt boy toy.

ravetildawn
2003-12-17, 04:57 PM
oh, lord. another horny thread.
and here i am.....

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 04:57 PM
bwahahahahahaha :thumbsup:

no worries, I gotcho back, I'll keep Eric off of you long enough to have your fun :D

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 04:57 PM
Originally posted by ravetildawn
oh, lord. another horny thread.
and here i am.....

:tarvis:

lupitanahsee
2003-12-17, 05:12 PM
Originally posted by blewmymindblank
bwahahahahahaha :thumbsup:

no worries, I gotcho back, I'll keep Eric off of you long enough to have your fun :D

:thumsup:


team player....once i have my way with him, ill let you have my sloppy seconds.

EDIT: you may have anil's anil...not me.

tigermomma
2003-12-17, 05:16 PM
Originally posted by djinergy
so has anyone used these techniques with success?? lol.

&nbsp;

:wave:

I think that a woman that doesnt know how to "do the do" should be thrown of a bridge though.&nbsp; You guys have a lil bit of leeway, what with not having the proper equipment to *know* and all.&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

:ontome:

the sex molesters
2003-12-17, 05:17 PM
werd kristen knows how to eat it.... i'll keep that in mind for the next time i have a pussy. :D

blewmymindblank
2003-12-17, 05:19 PM
:haha: holyshit that's funny :afterbuzz:

Milkman John
2003-12-17, 07:58 PM
Originally posted by lupitanahsee


:thumsup:


team player....once i have my way with him, ill let you have my sloppy seconds.


god you people dissapoint me

why are you leaving eric out of this...(whoever eric is)

lupitanahsee
2003-12-17, 08:33 PM
im not leaving anyone out, you can have slopy thirds or fourths...where ever you fall into place.

Milkman John
2003-12-17, 08:58 PM
i'm just gonna leave it at that and not one up it....

good god it's hard biting ones tongue....

lupitanahsee
2003-12-17, 09:12 PM
i just re-read some of this...it kinda sounded as if i were offering myself as sloppy seconds, thirds and so forth...i just wanted to make clear it was anil's anil i was offering up.

Milkman John
2003-12-17, 09:14 PM
yeah i was gonna say .....

robp
2003-12-17, 11:11 PM
Originally posted by Article One

dude, if you need to read an article about how to eat a pussy, you're in some seriously sad fucking shape.

What do they say?
The more you learn, the more you realize you dont know.
no offense, but to say something like that, you just may be in "some seriously sad fucking shape"

I have always learned something new from every girl ive been with. It also never hurts to try things you read in "an article" you just may not have thought of.

Now, for all us guys out there:

What a lot of girls need to realize is that many of their partners may not have ever read some "instruction manual" and even so, some instruction manual may not always be right. But then they pretend to enjoy what their partner is doing, and never tell them otherwise. It goes the same with guys.

I've dated some incredibly hot girls that were incredibly awful in bed. I came to the conclusion that every time a guy hooked up with them, the guy was so happy that they got the chance to do it, that he dare not say that the girl was doing anything wrong, embaras her, and thus be cut off. so instead he pretends to love what the girl is doing, she thinks she is hot shit, and the two are both dumber for it. Then s the cycle repeats, the girl gets to the point where she thinks she is the best in bed "EVER", and it may be too late to save her at this point. I'm talking anything from kissing to blowjobs to sex

seriously girls, theres more to our side of the sex than just "getting me off" as well. ok, maybe not for all guys...

guys, please let your girls know what feels good and what doesnt. dont let them keep on doing it wrong, in the long run it will be better for all of us!
:D

Article One
2003-12-17, 11:31 PM
Originally posted by robp074



no offense, but to say something like that, you just may be in &quot;some seriously sad fucking shape&quot;
:D


:haha:



i dont think so my friend.

Article One
2003-12-17, 11:33 PM
....and i was really just busting on you to begin with...

chill out :thumbsup:

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 11:35 PM
This thread makes me laugh :yes:

robp
2003-12-17, 11:45 PM
Originally posted by Article One
....and i was really just busting on you to begin with...

chill out :thumbsup:

well, u probably werent busting on me...that was my first post in this thread... but anyways

i probably should have included a :jk: in my first comment...lol

PUR...

where is the Love???
:D

EurotrashEve
2003-12-17, 11:55 PM
Seriously,
I am really honest w/ the other person and won't lie to them..I'll give them a second chance..maybe they were nervous or something the first time around..sex really isn't everything...I have to connect w/ the person in intelligible conversations and stuff in common first..plus if the person is really sensual and affectionate/giving personality like me , then it's a go.
I also like guys/girls who can dance..I think like a guy like :"whoa they are full of energy and look how they move on the dancefloor, apply this to bed and creativity/diversity"..I am a bit starstruck by good dancers.
Note: this is coming from a person that's been celibate for quite some time though..and now is out on a mission and letting their guard down.

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-17, 11:58 PM
Well shit...

I'm out on a mission too! :hifive:

Sex isn't everything, and good dancers are totally sexy, and I tell people what I want if they're doing it wrong or such...

Eve, you and I should get married :lessthanthree:



:afterbuzz:

EurotrashEve
2003-12-18, 12:13 AM
In europe?....I already made a pact w/ my friend Vania that if we weren't married by 30's we'd move to europe and get married..but yeah I love you funshine b/c your always so happy when I see you.
Yeah for awhile dancing was my sex.
I'm thinking of becoming a gogo dancer again

EurotrashEve
2003-12-18, 12:15 AM
aside from my serious day job..I need something to occupy my nights

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-18, 12:15 AM
Word.

I just wanna fcuk a good-looking dancer :yes:

DeAtHmOnGeR bEaR
2003-12-18, 12:15 AM
Originally posted by EurotrashEve
aside from my serious day job..I need something to occupy my nights

Ohh! Strip! *I mean, not to offend or anything at all*
You're so pretty, and the pole would be so much fun to dance with!

The Drifter
2003-12-18, 12:16 AM
:wave:

EurotrashEve
2003-12-18, 12:20 AM
Originally posted by Funshine


Ohh! Strip! *I mean, not to offend or anything at all*
You're so pretty, and the pole would be so much fun to dance with!
Been there done that:smooch: Paris Hilton style
Although never try to swing on the pole on a metro
I was:chug and my friends convinced me to try and swing from a pole .I ended up landing in a strangers lap..and I ended up laughing my ass off later.

EurotrashEve
2003-12-18, 12:22 AM
:evilred:

EurotrashEve
2003-12-18, 12:23 AM
Don't encourage me sweetie..I'll do it

The Drifter
2003-12-18, 12:25 AM
:tarvis: and my name is Gordy not it.

Chicago
2003-12-18, 12:38 AM
The article didn't offer any new information, it's all just basic common sense if you care about your partner and how you make them feel anyway. Maybe it's just cuz I'm such an old bastard though.

The Drifter
2003-12-18, 12:41 AM
Id say something to make you feel younger but thats punkasschickadies job.

The Drifter
2003-12-18, 12:42 AM
Speaking of the devil where is she tonight anyway?

Chicago
2003-12-18, 12:43 AM
heh, i dunno

The Drifter
2003-12-18, 12:46 AM
:shrug:

punkasschikadee
2003-12-18, 02:53 AM
:ANden:

punkasschikadee
2003-12-18, 03:00 AM
i will never leave this thread.

tigermomma
2003-12-18, 10:41 AM
Holy crap, I made someones avatar :woot:

I agree about not telling someone if they are doing something wrong, its sometimes hard to take criticism though and its all about phrasing it correctly. You'll do irreversible damage otherwise. Also, if a guy/ girl is not so vocal, do some of your own detective work. A huskily whispered "does this turn you on?" or "am I making you hard baby?" should do the trick.

:shrug:

Gizmo
2003-12-18, 10:45 AM
so, in "Woozy" by Faithless, when he says "how am I supposed to do the do when it's too hot to move" he's actually talking about cunnilingus!?Q?

Gizmo
2003-12-18, 10:47 AM
Originally posted by tigermomma
A huskily whispered "does this turn you on?" or "am I making you hard baby?" should do the trick.

not unless it's answered by a loud and curt "NO."

then it's just funny.:delirious:

tigermomma
2003-12-18, 10:53 AM
:haha:

I think I would be celibate for months if I had a reaction like that.

krazylittleangel
2003-12-18, 10:56 AM
Originally posted by Funshine
Hells yeah!

So... Jake... how you doin?? :tarvis:

everyone should read this. guys and girls. many girls dont even understand this. some girls are too scared to experiment and most guys think they should be born knowing how to please women.

i wanna know the person that wrote this:lessthanthree:

Yakko Red
2003-12-18, 11:02 AM
Why do I think this thread is sad? If you simply have a work ethic and do the research on your own then you don't need to read the buzzboard for advice.

Now lock this bullshit.